Sunday, September 4, 2016


I am still in the fledgling moments of my renewed desire to self discover.

I have known for a while that I have needed some life housecleaning if you will, but not knowing what kind of house suits ME at this moment of my life has created some interesting obstacles, questions and moments for learning. I thought that I would share them here.

 If any of these thoughts, questions or moments speak to you in any way, maybe take a moment to sit and think on them a bit with me. If not, that is okay. Like all things, you can choose to just observe my thoughts with no attachment to them at all :)

Where I was: (aka my internal narrative) 

  • I had just spent the last 8 months of time, money and mental energy on another fitness competition goal that at the end of the day brought me a killer physique, however in the weeks before as well as on the night of my show, I was the most UNHAPPY I had been in a very long time. 
  • I was coming to realise that I had voluntarily placed my happiness in the palms of others' hands. I was feeling tousled and unanchored in the waves of their wake when our paths diverged. When I would blame them, I sought with my eyes, around me for how to correct this, instead of within. I was starting to feel POWERLESS
  • I lost a very nostalgic relationship from my childhood with my mother, and felt the most colossal of LOSS, PANIC, BETRAYAL and ANGER.
  • I had depleted a good portion of my savings on non essential items, and was starting to feel a LOSS OF INDEPENDENCE. 

All of these things left me feeling emotionally off balance, and helpless to the currents around me. Here, in this moment in time where i was supposed to be at my highest, I was not; most confident, and able, i felt small and less than. Here, where I was supposed to feel my most powerful, I felt weak and vulnerable. Where I was trying to maintain a sense of connectedness to a loving emotion, I only felt the sting of loss and hopelessness.

 How had I gotten here? And more important than that story, how might I start to regain my positive and natural belonging and ease in life? What do I need to change? What do I need to add? Remove? Where do I put all this energy?

This blog isn't anywhere near an answer yet, I am still at the beginning. Any good experiment starts with a problem and observation.

Problem: I feel unhappy, dependant, powerless, lost, angry and betrayed. 3 moments that I chose, specifically for the purpose of making me happier, weren't. they were in fact, doing the opposite, and my bank account was in danger.

Observations: Here's the plan:

Be still. I have allowed myself this time to come away briefly from my regular routines, social media discussions and friendships, to just observe my natural ebb and flow. Stepping out of my old patterns and habits should give me a few emerging emotions to begin to question, to see what I am really drawn to, and seeking to fulfill in myself. In analysing this, I will ask if this need is best fulfilled in these places or perhaps somewhere else (maybe even in me) or even if they need to be fulfilled at all.

Observe. When I am still, what do I see? Who do I see? Who or what am I prone to reach for? Why? I am aiming to answer as instinctively as I can where able. 

Here are a few examples:

  • Acquaintances: Why are you friends? What needs are met with this friendship? Companionship? Reciprocal trust and support? A safe confident? Or is it darker, or more one sided? Are they using you to find their happiness alone? Do they consider you? Are you friends only to promote each others egos? i.e. to have more followers, market on Instagram, while perhaps selling arrogance as inspiration. If you were to change everything you did today, would they still invest in you?
  • Objects: What do you use this for? Why did you buy it? Did you buy it shortly after a friend did or you saw an advertisement? How long before you bought it did you know you needed it? If you don't need it, why are you hording it? When is the last time you used it? How does it make you feel when you see it? When is the last time you needed it to feel this way? Why did you feel this way? Was there some other way to find that feeling other than buying this? Does it bring up bad emotions that no longer serve you? Do you feel a sense of loss when you keep it?  
  • Goals: What is the purpose of this goal. How much of this goal is vested in other's opinions of you after its execution?  Why do you feel you need to impress them? If you were to let this goal change, what would you lose? What would you gain? Are you intrinsically in your happy place when you work on this goal? Why or why not?
  • Emotions: Why are you accepting this emotion? Who or what is is tied to? Does this emotion make your life better? If not, then why are you allowing it time in your precious and one life? Is it blocking what you perceive to be a harder emotion? Is there something you need to deal with, so that you can let these guard emotions go. When are you happiest? What does your internal dialog say when you are? Or is it quiet? How much of your happiness do you delegate to others? 
  • Really, it boils down to: What objective and underlying feeling are you trying to achieve when you reach outward? Is it pure and unassuming? Or is it tied to your own fears and expectations

I personally have just restarted this process. I would say I definitely ebb and flow with minimalism, and there are clear points in time when the term #minimalist does not fit me at all. I have always found that this is the place where I am able to do the most good, and be the most altruistic to my higher being, that being the Jenn behind the walls, my inner child if you will.

A few ways I have started this are:

  • Daily reaffirmations from people in the minimalist and mindfulness communities. While I am not really a commenter on these blogs and YouTubes, being more of a silent observer, I come to find I am not alone, and for me, since this is really about finding ME, I have been more than okay with that. 
  • Decluttering the easy stuff first, and building off the momentum. I like to get a couple of quick wins under my belt. The endorphins from seeing my good work and progress feeds me the fuel to keep my resolve until I start to see the bigger changes. 
  • Making time to empty my mind, through some form of meditation every day. Whether I choose to observe a tree, knowing that it doesn't count minutes or dollars, just stands anchored and open regardless of the weather, or if I loose myself in the serine vibration of crystal bowl, favorite artist, wind against the grass or my skin, or wave against a shore, I can feel washed over and whole without any attachment to things. Also just as enlightening on the other side is: what did I pick back up afterward. 

Think about that for a moment. What did you pick back up afterward?

  • What arrows did you put back in your quiver? What food did you put back in your pack? What water refilled your canteen? What shoes did you put back on? Are their ways you can pack lighter? What is preventing you from leaving items on the ground? You were free for a moment, in meditation. Are you now placing your personal shackles back around your ankles? 

As I mentioned, this is the start of an observation and discovery period for me, one that will require me to stretch beneath the surface to uncover underlying interests and needs. Over time I hope to shed the excess and negative to allow the remaining to realign to a more authentic harmony. I am running a diagnostic if you will.

It is time to stop drinking the proverbial Eno and figure out why our spiritual tummies are creating so much acid in the first place.

Does this entry strike a chord in you? If it does, than lets do this together! Lets learn from each other's insights, whether by silently sharing quiet moments like this, or by commenting below if that is more your style.

"To acuire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe." ~ Marilyn vos Savant

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